Hot + Take + Tuesday: Overpromising

I would love to offer just-starting-out-in-ministry Bruce much advice, including “devalue and defund overworking,“ “trust the congregation more than people say you should,” and “go to more movies by yourself,” but battling for the top spot along with “don’t create chaos so you can swoop in and provide the calm” would be — “don’t overpromise.”

We have all done it.
I still do it more than I like to admit.
We all must be better about resisting it.

Whether born from ego or enthusiasm, we all know what it is like to promise to do something and not be able to follow through. No matter what end you are on the unfulfilled promise train, it sucks. Shame and shade are often directed at others or ourselves, and soon enough, we are tagged with the “Overpromiser” label that gets more and more difficult to shed with every subsequent unfulfilled vow.

To be clear, when it comes to pledges and promises made to myself, that is one thing, but when it comes to groups of people: partners, friends, family, co-workers, or collaborators, consistently overpromising can be problematic.

A note before folks accuse me of being a cold-hearted productivity overlord: this is not about just getting things and being productive. There is always grace. $h!t happens. Life rarely reveals itself the way it has been planned. We can always make room for unfulfilled commitments, but in the long run, overpromising hurts everyone.

One of my favorite quotes regarding group work is, “A lack of preparation on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine,” because I think it’s true. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am willing to help out and jump in at the last minute to respond to unforeseen interruptions and crises. After all, the ministry is mostly about interruptions, but if this happens again and again and again because of a lack of preparation or planning, I am only willing to jump into the deep end so many times.

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Eventually, you will be left on your own to sink or swim — alone.

Yes, this can seem harsh, but after someone repeatedly promises to do something and then repeatedly relies on or expects others to fulfill said commitment, the relationship is no longer one of mutuality but manipulation. A community can and should be flexible once, twice, or even thrice, but I am talking about how we unintentionally and consistently create chaos and stress for other people. At worst, serial overpromisers are seen as liars and, at best, disrespectful and undependable.

More importantly, I think overpromising slowly eats away at our personal understanding of worth, relationships, and agency. When we overpromise, we reinforce the idea that we have to say yes, we fuel the hubris that tricks us into thinking we can do everything ourselves, and we further build our sense of worth upon a foundation of worldly meritocracies.

Overpromising is not just about letting others down, but losing ourselves.

Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give to others and ourselves is “Sorry, no,” “Not right now,” “That is not in my skill set,” “I can do that, but will need some help” and/or even the occasional, “Aw hell no, not even if you paid me a bazillion dollars!”

While I still occasionally get suckered into over-promising, I have improved over the years and my impact has been better for it. There are no hard and fast rules for how to get there, but here are a few tips and tidbits that I have found to be helpful.

Questions that I ask myself:

• Is this for the greater good?
• Is this truly within my skillset?
• Is this an urgent or long haul commitment?
• Will this require collaboration, and if so, what kind?
• Is it worth my time and energy?
• Does my calendar have room for this?
• If I say yes, will have to drop something else?
• Will I be compensated or valued justly?
• Will this commitment bring me joy and feed my soul?
• Will my community and descendants be proud of my taking this on?

Tactics I use to help me stay on track:

• All of my projects and tasks are compiled in one place, as encouraged by the book, Getting Things Done.
• All of my actual tasks are tracked in a single tracker, ToDoist, so there are no wandering post-its or paper scraps.
• I am honest about how long things will take me, and I calendar nearly all my activities to make sure I have time to complete them.
• I commit to 3-4 outward-facing events daily: meetings, coffees, working out, etc.
• I only check my email twice a day.
• I resist the tyranny of urgent communication.
• I reject or challenge other’s assumed expectations of my time and energy.
• I go to the movies alone, talk to my plants when I water them, and plate my own meals as if I were working in a Michelin-starred restaurant.

Again, I make no claims to conquering the behemoth that is overpromising, but ultimately, as I have embraced this way of being, I have felt better the work I do, the impact I make, and the person I am becoming.

I hope this has been helpful.