Kindness and Privilege

Below is a shameless plug for my 2021 book, In Defense of Kindness: Why It Matters, How It Changes Our Lives, and How It Can Save the World from Chalice Media. If you are looking for a book for your book group, word on the street is that this is a good one :-) Bulk discounts begin at ten copies from Chalice.

Lightly edited transcript with a few links added.

Greetings all. My name is Bruce Reyes-Chow, and I am the author of In Defense of Kindness, Why It Matters, How It Changes Our Lives, and How It Can Save the World. Came out in 2021 from Chalice Press. And despite many people thinking, Oh, kindness, great. Bruce just wants us all to get along. I really hope that you'll take some time to think about kindness as power, not as weakness, that kindness by seeing the humanity in one another and Choosing not to diminish that no matter where folks stand on the ideological spectrum, is a powerful, powerful statement.

So if you're looking for a book, to use for a book group, this is one that I hope you would try to use. it can be used in churches, schools, libraries, whatever. You may want to have conversations about how we might engage in, political, social, ideological discourse a little bit differently.

I'm going to read today a chapter called Kindness and Privilege. The chapters in this book go across the board. This is what I look at both kind of grand understandings of kindness, what it is not. I try to debunk the ideas of niceties. I look at politics, social media, the every day, kindness with those closest to us and try to expand our understanding about what it means to be kind again, not about being nice or about avoiding conflict, but about honoring the complexity of other humans around us and not just ideologically or performatively, but actually living our lives as if that matters. You know, a lot of people will just assume that it's nice, but it's not. I'm going to read a section, a chapter, "Kindness and Privilege."

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Excerpt from Defense of Kindness, Why It Matters, How It Changes Our Lives, and How It Can Save the World by Bruce Reyes-Chow © 2021 Chalice Books. Used by permission.

I once had a conversation with someone during a protest and taking over the roadway in the San Francisco Bay Area. The protest occurred during the early stages of the Black Lives Matter movement. The social atmosphere in the United States was charged to say the least. The conversation about this life or death reality boiled down to this response from a bystander. If they did not inconvenience people so much, I would be much more supportive of their cause.

Kindness that merely placates those who are inflicting trauma, violence, or oppression may be a valid survival technique, but it centers the aggressor and allows them to dictate the future. Kindness cannot be boiled down to specific, concrete, never changing actions. How we express kindness depends on our own social context, experiences, culture, and privilege.

it is not kind to tell someone who is expressing righteous and disruptive indignation to be civil or appropriate. Historically, these kinds of admonishments have been code for stop creating discomfort, know your place, or shut up. While I understand the desire to be more compassionate and to have more thoughtful engagement around disagreements, we must be careful that such a desire does not turn into a modern day manifestation of civilizing those who do not fit into our understanding of normative behavior.

Sometimes our norms oppress and marginalize others. When acts of kindness and calls for civility are fueled by social, economic, and racial privilege, these acts are often more about doing just enough to keep the status quo, and not about transformative change for those who are experiencing struggle.

This call for civility is dangerous. It assumes that well intentioned people or organizations will actively seek out their flaws and correct them without any prodding from others, whether insiders or outsiders. We know this to be untrue. Protest, disruption, and uncivilized behavior is precisely what compels individuals and organizations to change, sometimes willingly and with integrity, and sometimes because market forces compel them to change or go out of business.

The existence of any protections for and the civil rights of people of color, women, workers, LGBTQIA plus people, and countless others were all the result of people taking to the streets to protest injustice and unfair practices that needed to be named. Not every expression offered in the face of injustice is justified, or should be accepted simply because it's protest.

Our first reaction to others pointing out injustices that might create discomfort in ourselves, our institutions, and our social status cannot be, "Well, listen, if you just stop yelling and talk calmly, then you might have more impact." No doubt there will have been multiple attempts to work through the system, to use processes set up by the institution, and to be appropriate, respectful, civil, and otherwise not make a scene. When those tactics do not result in change, it is appropriate to resort to public protest. For many of us being uncomfortable about public protest or what we perceive as aggressive expressions of frustration simply identifies our privilege and our ability to shield ourselves from the struggles that others are facing.

May our call to civil discourse be more about listening to the genuine struggles of human sisters, brothers, siblings, neighbors, strangers, than about protecting our own spaces of security. Most people do not engage in public protest or in expressing anger that may risk their life, work, or status. So when groups of people are pushed to their boiling point, the least helpful thing to do is to silence them.

Expressions of kindness in times of social change and public protest should focus on those who are seeking justice and liberation and not the ones whose privileged worlds are being disrupted by the leveling of a social playing field or correction of disparities of access, power, or authority. If someone is seeking civil rights through public protest or sharing their frustration in a way that causes discomfort, rather than adopting a posture of defensiveness, a kinder response is for us to listen with empathy in order to seek true understanding.

The second, third, and tenth acts of kindness are to discern how this knowledge and experience will affect future actions, and while keeping it at the center of the conversation, the voices of those whose change will benefit. It takes control and wisdom to listen to justified expressions of frustration.

That, too, is an act of kindness. At each chapter's end, I offer some questions for reflection and then an actual action.

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So for reflection, "When have you participated in public protests and what compelled you to do so?" "When have you witnessed a protest and thought it was too much? And why did you have that reaction?"

And the try this is, scan your news feed for a protest happening somewhere in the world, and note your initial reactions. Then do some background research about the reason for the protest, to see if your perspective changes.

All right. That is just one chapter from In Defense of Kindness. if you look around this sub stack, you'll see a way, that if you buy a certain number of copies that, I will zoom in for one of your book groups, maybe come out to an event, depending on, logistics and circumstances.

But I would encourage you if you need a book, please do. There are discounts, at Chalice Press, I believe. And I'll put that in the notes. And again, if you're looking for a book shameless plug, In Defense of Kindness.

If you are interested in having me come to a book group or event, please contact me.