The Grief, Disappointment, and Inevitability of Losing Acquaintances and Colleagues

Over the past 11 months, especially when focused on the situation in Israel and Palestine, I am sure that many of you have experienced the fracturing of relationships with friends, family, co-workers, and the random person in your social and online circles.

Add the presidential race to the mix, including how the Harris/Walz ticket and many of its supporters have responded to anyone who continues to challenge the ticket on Gaza, and those relationships have revealed themselves to be more accurately defined as acquaintances, colleagues, or casual social media connections — and not friends, co-conspirators, or accomplices.

Rest assured, you are not alone in this, especially if you have fully committed to calling out the Israeli and United States governments for the blatant and brutal violence that is occurring in Gaza and, increasingly, the West Bank. If you have been following me for a while, you know where I stand, but today, I want to talk about the impact of these broken relationships and the joy of developing new ones.

First, about those relationships that have ended. Like many, I have been called many things many things by strangers and trolls, but by people I know, I have had my intellect called into question, I have been accused of wanting Trump to win, I have been reprimanded for being a single-issue voter, and I have had my commitment to other marginalized groups called into question.

Most revelatory and disappointing is the familiarity people have assumed, as if public accusations will be received with a spirit of friendship. This is not surprising, considering how much I share about my personal life, but when it comes to deep and textured friendships, those ain’t them. This season has revealed that many of my friendships were not friendships at all but more convenient acquaintances —often in agreement politically— but at the end of the day, pretty surface.

I do not want to give too much air to these things, but in response to the main reprimands that I have received (and yes, I am using the word reprimand for all the condescension and patronizing vibes it gives) a quick response:

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my intellect // while I am never going to be a MacArthur Fellow or be invited to join MENSA, when it comes to voting (which I have never publicly stated how I am going to vote for President) shock of all shocks, I do know how elections work, I understand the impact of the electoral college on the presidential race, and I know what it means for to be a California voter.

trump/vance // of course I do not want them to win. Jesus H. Christ. That does not mean that Harris/Walz should automatically get my public and full-throated support without making some gesture to earn it. Why would I give away any leverage without calling for policy clarification? Both seem like decent humans (auntie and dad), but vibes are not motivation enough for me. To do so treads dangerously close to a cult of personality campaign and proximity to power politics.

single-issue // challenging our current Democratic administration as well as withholding public support of Harris/Walz on their ongoing double speak about Gaza is not about being a single-issue voter. Gaza is about militarism, governmental spending, foreign policy, policing, free speech, racism, colonization, international law, and intersectional understandings of oppression. All that goes to say, if it was just about stopping a live-streamed genocide that could lead to an estimated 180,000+ deaths; I think that would be a pretty compelling single issue.

commitment to justice // I must admit, the most swearing has been vocalized when folks have questioned my commitment to historically oppressed and marginalized groups. If people believe that my commitment to justice and my commitment to Gaza are mutually exclusive, that is a clear indication that people do not know me. These accusations seem to be more revealing of others' limitations of their commitment to justice and a justification for their ongoing silence in the face of genocide.

I have had to recalibrate how much energy I direct towards maintaining some relationships. This is about a shift; there will be no shunning, public shaming, or cutting off going on here. I choose to believe that everyone in my circle has been acting faithfully, but our calling differs during this particular moment in history. As one who has always tried to maintain a wide circle of friendships, this has been a great revelation to me. I no longer need to spend energy maintaining relationships with acquaintances and colleagues because I am now drawn to expanding and tending relationships with co-conspirators and accomplices.

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An ally will mostly engage in activism by standing with an individual or group in a marginalized community. An accomplice will focus more on dismantling the structures that oppress that individual or group—and such work will be directed by the stakeholders in the marginalized group.

— Colleen Clemons, Ally or Accomplice? The Language of Activism: A new use of the word accomplice pushed this educator to rethink her activist approaches inside and outside the classroom. (2017)

Speaking of co-conspirators and accomplices…

If anyone has ever been to a protest or action (Yes, even corporate-sponsored marches), one of the great joys is to meet people who hold the same moral values and call to live them out in the world. Few activities bond people together like publicly calling for social change, joining in oddly-tempoed protest chants, or deciding if you will risk physical harm and engage in civil disobedience. Sure, sometimes those events can devolve into preformative and limited action, but in diving deeper into actions centered around Gaza, Palestine, and the movement spokes that have widened the movement, I have been profoundly and surprisingly impacted. Through various technological platforms and in-person gatherings, my soul and spirit have been fed and fueled. We have shared and validated common experiences of disappointment, heartbreak, frustration, pessimism, rage, inspiration, victory, rejuvenation, optimism, love, joy, and hope — and I am grateful beyond measure.

I want to thank so many people. You know who you are . . .

• For new and long-time Palestinian friends who have challenged me to expand my understanding of hope, perseverance, and possibility.
• For every person who has come into activism for the first time and has stepped out with a posture of courage and curiosity.
• For every person who has been at this justice work for a long time and has lent their wisdom and experience to movements and organizers.
• For the college students who have taught and embodied the power of mutual aid, the discipline of movement organizing, and the perseverance to challenge systems and institutions.
• For the activists who have organized support for families in Gaza.
• For the colleague/s with whom I have mutually vented, laughed, and cried without judgment or expectation.
• For my immediate family and the alignment of our values, morals, and ethics.
• For the extended family members who surprised us with their perspectives on Palestine. Who knew?
• For those who have placed their bodies on the line through acts of civil disobedience and Palestinian accompaniment.
• For the many organizations that have coordinated, supported, and nurtured various actions over the past 11 months.
• For the many cause-adjacent organizations who have made shifts in their mandates and public action to address the intersectional nature of the Genocide in Gaza.
• For those who have given money to organizations and mutual aid campaigns.
• For every person who is not in the position to be public in their activist, but has expressed and offered support to those who are risking so much.
• For those who have and continue to risk so much.

Through these new or enhanced relationships, I have been challenged, educated, and inspired by the people with whom I had no idea I shared so much in common. My experience and expression of the holy and divine in the world have been expanded, and, oddly enough, these relationships of solidarity have made me more hopeful than ever.

One such colleague recently asked me (paraphrased), “What can we do about Gaza with the current political situation being so terrible?”

My response (edited a bit) is probably not what folks might expect,

We keep pressing, we keep showing up, we keep Gaza in front of people, we keep tellig the story of Palestine occupation and aparthied, we keep reminding people that the violence being perpetrated is propped up with our dollars, and we keep challenging our colleagues who compartmentalize this into a "single issue" to resist bartering the ongoing ethnic cleansing, familial annihilation, and genocide for complicity in order to protect and preserve privileged spaces.

We keep hoping. In fact, I am more hopeful than ever, because the resurrection demands it of me.

If asked again, I would add

And I am more hopeful than ever because of the people I consider co-conspirators, accomplices, and, yes, friends who inspire me to be so.

Do more than hang in there, friends. When you feel isolated, know and believe that you are not. There is enough flourishing in the world for us all.